The Promise of the Sea - from Having had a Spiritual Awakening.

A dark fog of denial closed over me at the moment of my birth and continued to get blacker and blacker until the power of love called Al-anon broke through and lit up my life. My parents, both adult children of alcholics, were perfect for each other- Mum began her life-long love affair with prescription drugs and Dad carried on the lessons learned as a child to be her people-pleasing enabler. Very early in life I learned that it did not do to show my emotions, to utter my true thoughts, or to trust anyone but myself- while at the same time appearing to do all three. IT was quite a juggling act, but one I became so adept at that I operated on automatic pilot, never realizing anything was wrong with my life until sometime into my marriage to an active alcoholic.

Part of our "Happy Families" game was to go to church every Sunday without fail. The appearance of piety was very important in our small seaside community. "See" it would announce to all, "there is nothing wrong in our family, not like those people down the road whose father gets drunk all the time. Oh, Mother gets sick from time to time, poor dear, but she will rally. Medical science is wonderful, is it not? It provides all those miracle cures she espouses so bravely. Thank God for them."

Invoking God's name was a very convenient way of justifying actions in our family. If He/she was ever real to me, it was as a vengeful force that would "get" me for every real or imagined infraction of the ever-changing rules my mother set down. Under the warmth of Al-Anon's sunshine I began to examine my motives. Why did I try to get to the beach every time I was feeling bad? Why did my discomfort get worse the further away from the shoreline I got? Why did I feel better after a time communing with the sea- feelign the wind in my face, watching the changing face of the sea, humbly recognizing its power, exulting in it's ability to change?

It seemed a crazy idea when I first realized I had always believed that God lived in the sea. So fanciful and idiotic, in fact, that I ran back into my old habitual pattern of denial and stayed there for years. What if someone found out? Well, what if? I'm a member of Al-Anon and can choose any Power greater than myself that I feel comfortable believing in, can't I? No one there is going to ridicule me for my beliefs. When I first came to Al-Anon and proclaimed, "I don't believe in God, He has never done anything for me!" They didn't laugh at me then. Why would they start now?

Even so, the God of my understand was still like the one my parents used, a distant, all-powerful being. I was living with my God the way I lived with everyone and everything else in my life- on the periphery, never wholeheartedly in the center, aftaid of rejection or punishment. We had a conference one day, this God of my understanding and I. "The very air you breathe is My gift to you," He said. "The sight of the sea you so enjoy is My gift to you. The feel of My power is My gift to you. Take them within yourself and use them all the days of your life. Don't ever limit yourself: I have more to give than you can ever use." 

Now I don't have to drive frantically from state to state visiting my far-flung family. I can stop to see all the sights along the way, not speeding by as I have been all these years. God comes with me. My brothers still live in that awful fog, juggling away. Me? I slip back in from time to time, but I don't stay there long before I look to the sunshine again. 

Australia